A Great Lesson I Learned From My Parents

We were sitting at a table eating lunch at a restaurant on Portage Lakes when my mom and my stepdad told me that they were thinking about moving to another city.

I was 10.

They made a pro's and con's list with me and helped me to process through the decision.  We talked about everything...  They helped me to think through what it would mean to change school's, homes, neighborhoods and friends. 

For an adult, a move and a few changes is not that big of a deal.  For a 10 year old kid, it's practically the end of the world. 

The way they handled that situation taught me a ton. 

1) They put themselves in my shoes and recognized that this was going to have a big impact on me.

2) They cared about my ownership of the decision.

3) They chose to lead me through a discovery process that helped me to have confidence and excitement for, what would normally be, a pretty scary decision.  

They could have just told me what was going to happen.
They could have demanded that I accept the decision. 

Instead, they stopped to listen to me and help me process through it.

This simple conversation taught me a lot about how to communicate and help those closest to me process through changes. Thanks for the education, Mom & Dad!

Ryan

A Few Ways to Protect Our Marriages

There isn't a week that goes by that I don't hear about someones marriage suffering the wreakage of some kind of infidelity. Seriously, we've got to get a hold of this.

Its wise for both men and women to think through appropriate boundaries with the opposite sex.  Most affairs don't occur because someone made a conscious decision to be unfaithful to their spouse but because they made a hundred tiny "harmless" decisions that led closer and closer to the "line" of infidelity. 

 

 

So if we are going to be wise and proactive in protecting our marriages we need to think through what appriopriate boundaries look like for us based on our lifestyle, our personal temptations and our spouses comfort level. 

We cant control every circumstance but there are quite a few that we can control. 

The Bible tells us to "flee immorality" (1 Cor 6:18). Sometimes we just have to run from opportunities. 

Here are a few guidelines that we practice, these are examples of the kinds of things that may be helpful in safeguarding our marriages:

1) Don't do anything alone with another woman that is not your wife or relative. This includes riding in a car, going out to eat, catching a movie, going for a walk, etc.

2) Allow your spouse to have full access to all of our technology: cell phone, laptop, iPad, computer, you name it. (except for #3)

3) Guys, I have Lori pick the password to the home computers and I make sure she doesn't give them to me.  This is a safeguard for me to protect against any inappropriate usage. 

4) Never meet with a woman in a room without a window.

5) Share accounts. Both parties should have access to the credit card statements, checking accounts, cell phone bills, etc. This is pursuing full transparency in our lives and in our relationship. It's all part of being "one".

These are just a few to get you thinking.  Every marriage has unique circumstances that will need some unique safeguards.

Man, this is so true in marriage...

"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure."

"Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage."                  Hebrews 13:4a

Ryan

A Practice that Continues to Change Our Home

A handful of years ago Lori and I noticed something about the culture of our home. 

We started to notice a trend that was becoming consistent. We were trending toward discontentment and looking to the next "thing".  Whether it was finishing a degree, having a baby, moving, knocking out the next house project or buying something that we wanted.

We noticed that this discontent was affecting the culture and tone of our household.

We decided to try an experiment. 
We were going to begin thanking God for everything in our lives.  Whether it was big or small, material or relational, even if it was a trial, we were going to give thanks for it. 
And we were going to do this on a regular basis.

As we set out to try this, we noticed that we were growing more and more grateful. This gratitude started to show up in our attitude toward our belongings and in our relationships.  It helped us to be content with the pace of pursuit of "next things" which Lori and I both struggle with. 

The practice of giving thanks is transforming. 

We are still growing in this area.  However, out of sheer practice, it's starting to get easier to trust that what we have is from God's hand... including relationships, material goods and place in life.

This practice makes life a whole lot more enjoyable. 
It's fun to be in awe over what God has done for us. It actually creates joy in us.
It makes sense why this would be a part of God's will. 
Check out this verse:

 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 

             1 Thessalonians 5:18

I highly recommend this practice.  I know I'm thankful for it. :)

Ryan

Forgiveness Matters

Extending forgiveness to people that have hurt us has to be one of the most difficult things that we do.

The starting point is hard enough: admitting that someone actually hurt us. 
We tend to have a "it's no big deal" approach to things that hurt us.  We try to deal with conflict and pain by telling ourselves that "that shouldn't hurt".  The problem with this approach is that it typically doesn't work. 

Then once weve admitted that we are actually hurt the opposite extreme becomes a temptation.  We can lock on to the victim mentality and live there for a long time.  Our pain then becomes the reason why we can't move forward in life.  It becomes the reason that we got "stuck" in our growth. 

The only place of freedom is in admitting that we have been hurt and then moving to forgive the person who has hurt us.  This can be profoundly difficult especially if the offense is a deep one. 

The only way that this makes sense to me is when I am concious of how much God has forgiven me.  I have to remember that God has forgiven me for being a selfish, rebellious, judgmental, prideful and ungodly person.  I have offended a perfect and holy God.  Once I have this in mind, I am in a place where I can extend forgiveness to another imperfect person who is just like me. 

When we withhold forgiveness it slowly creates a bitterness that turns into anger.  This bitterness and anger begin to affect our hearts, they harden us and they shrink our ability to love.  Sarcasm and cynicism replace sincerity and joy.  We begin to morph into a version of ourselves that we can't stand. 

When we extend forgiveness our capacity to love and to care is enlarged.  Joy and sincerity begin to be restored.  We start moving toward the version of ourselves that we know we're made to be.

Forgiveness is good for us.

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

Ephesians 4:32

Ryan 

One Month Down. Fighting to Stay on Track.

5 Things to keep in focus in 2012:  

1) Fighting to keep our vision in focus matters a lot.


Some really smart guy said "Vision leaks" (I think it was Andy Stanley).  It's the idea that we slowly forget what we set out for. So we have to keep remembering and having this vision poured back into us so we can readjust our sights on the right things. These were some questions that we looked at earlier...


What could God do in our lives in the next 365 days? If we were to become more like Jesus in the next year what would that look like? Let's use our imaginations. 2 Peter 1:5-7 is a great place to look to see some areas of growth.


2) If we want some things in our lives to change they have to be changed on purpose...and that's usually hard.


This one just takes a level of brutality.  Starting new healthy habits is just plain hard and usually painful.  But the fruit of it is sooo worth it.  
Questions I'm asking myself are..

• Are my habits sticking?
• Am I remembering WHY I needed these habits?
• Am I gaining or losing momentum right now with my habits?

3) Making good decisions everyday gives us momentum.  
My everyday decisions certainly haven't been perfect but I am definitely thankful to have some momentum.  I love living with momentum.  There is something that happens when we see God change us in small ways.  It builds our faith to see Him change us in bigger ways as we move forward.  

4) If we're going to focus on the things that matter we have to limit distractions.


I've been struggling with this one.  How about you?
I need to make more of a concious effort to "unplug". 

There are plenty of good things to do in life.

However, I think this statement puts good into perspective...
"Good is the enemy of great." - Jim Collins

5) This year will go faster than we think!


I am feeling this... the first month is already gone!!


This is a great time to reevaluate and touch base on where we need to be for the year.


Ryan

Pseudo-love

The definition of love is shifting.


Calling something wrong is now the only thing that's really wrong.
Accountability is judgmental.
Discipline is mean.

Unconditional acceptance with no mention of the harm that we do to ourselves is the new definition of love. 

This is not love.
This is actually more like hate.

The Bible shows us that this kind of love is a big part of how God loves us.
God disciplines us. He teaches us. He prunes us. He molds us.

All of those things have to do with us changing. 

God cares about us enough not to let us stay the same.  That is love.

Love sacrifices. Love suffers. It gives itself away.
Love bears burdens, speaks truth and faces reality.

It's not that there isn't genuine affection or warmth to love.  It's not that acceptance isn't a part of love.  Those are all very real aspects.

Love wants whats best for us according to God's definition of best. To move away from God's best is to move toward death.

The new definition of love is selfish, the "new love" says... "I don't care enough about you to be uncomfortable or to allow you to hurt me in my efforts to help.  I don't care enough about you to risk offending you. Oh, and by the way, please stay out of my business as well."

This love basically says, "live and let die" (thanks Axle... opps, I mean Paul MacCartney)...then again, maybe it's not that new afterall.

This pseudo-love must be universally rejected or it will erode our lives, our marriages, friendships and ultimately our society.

I am so thankful to have people in my life that love me enough to accept and yet still challenge me to grow.  Sometimes it's hard to be loved...but love helps me be who I'm made to be.  

For a starting place on real love, check out 1 Corinthians 13, Hebrew 3:12-15 & 12:4-12

Ryan

Unwarping Jesus

Seriously....we have warped Jesus.

Our most common pictures of Him are as a baby, on a cross, holding a lamb or looking like this ridiculous picture to the right.

Of course, He was a baby and He did die on a cross. But those events need to be seen in a bigger context.
We often fail to see who Jesus is and who He will be for eternity.

He is Absolute Royalty. 
He rules over a kingdom of kings. 
He is without question the most powerful person in existence.

No president, ruler, emperor, tyrant, CEO, celebrity or historical icon even compares to the power and authority that Jesus has and will have.

Still, in our culture, the main impression that we have of Christ is that He was a weak person that got beat up and killed.

But can you imagine the strength it would take for the most powerful person that lives to choose to lower Himself to the point of becoming a baby... to become the very thing He created....to learn how to walk and talk and to be raised by parents.... to allow Himself to be killed when He had the power to stop it... It's borderline ridiculous. 
It makes me ask "why would He do that?"

These are some of the things that inspire me to follow Christ.

He IS King and His kingdom will be fully realized in the future.  What makes Him so amazing isn't necessarily His unlimited power or His universal dominion over everything... it's that He would be willing to lay it all aside out of love for us.
That is a picture of strength.

That is one of the reasons that I appreciated movie The Passion of the Christ so much.
It captured some of His strength, determination and resolve.

Jesus is a lot of things but a pansy He is not.

I hope wherever we stand with Jesus we can at least have an accurate picture of who He is.

Check out Revelation chapter 1 & Philippians chapter 2 for more details about who Christ really is.

Ryan

God wants us to know what's coming.

I'm starting to study the book of Revelation to share with some friends.

I was struck by the first verse. 
Here is the first half of it,

                           "The revelation of Jesus Christ, which God gave him to show his servants what must soon take place."  Revelation 1:1a

This verse shows us that God wants His people to know what is coming. 
This may be more general in nature than we would like but, nonetheless, He wants us to have a heads up on what's coming.

A couple observations about this:

• He is aware of what the future holds.
• He has chosen to allow this future to play out. 
• He has even chosen how much to let us know about what will happen.

I usually shy away from the "prophecy nut" side of things but I see the importance being informed of what is coming.  Especially since God made a special effort to make sure we had access to this info. 

Read this verse...

"Blessed is the one who reads aloud the words of this prophecy, and blessed are those who hear it and take to heart what is written in it, because the time is near." Revelation 1:3

There is blessing in being exposed to and seriously considering the content of this book. 



Ryan

Deep Relationships: A Starting Point

This is not rocket science but we tend to miss it a lot of the time.

We know what we want and what we don't want. We know our dreams and passions.

But rarely are we as highly acquainted with the dreams and desires of the people around us. 

I am certainly guilty of this.  I am an extremely selfish person by nature... I'm an only child..I'm goal oriented.. most of my life has been spent pursuing what I want out of life.

However, the love that Christ is slowly teaching me to have as much interest in others as I do in myself.  A love is growing in me for learning people, for hearing their hearts... for actually knowing people. It's surprisingly fun. I think this has shown up the most for me in my relationship with Lori and the kids and close friends. I recognize that any progress that has been made in my life in this area is God's direct work in me.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."

                                                                                                   Galatians 5:22-23

These are essential qualities for deep relationships.

I'm no expert on this but I found this to be a genuinely helpful starting place for deep relationships.

Not all relationships can be deep but, at the very least, our relationships with our spouses, best friends and children need to be... period. 

Genuinely knowing people is critical... especially the people that journey closest to us.

Ryan

Why I NEED the Bible: Reason #7

It is important to me that my life matters.


One of my biggest fears is wasting my life on things that don't matter. 


I remember noticing it in adults when I was a child. It was like somewhere along the way they quit.... they just quit.


At one time, they had a reason for striving, for getting out of bed in the morning but somewhere along the way they lost track of it. Somewhere along the way they traded living for existing. 


This became such a fear for me.  That I would lose heart... that I would settle.. that I would become "realistic".  I feel the temptation to do this on a regular basis.... to settle for some level of normal and quit pushing forward. And I especially feel this when I think about how many times I have failed. There is a natural gravity to just shriveling up and quiting.  Life is such an uphill battle that when we stop advancing we just start rolling back down the hill. 


The Bible is what helps me to stop this "quiting" process in my life. 


When I read things like this, "I pray that...you may know...his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms." (from parts Ephesians 1:18-19) it forces me not to settle.  If this is the power that is available to us, then settling isn't an option. 


God will keep changing us. 
He will keep redeeming our lives.
He will bring His power to bear in and through us. 


Here's another reason why I NEED the Bible:


    7) It helps me to not quit doing what matters. 


Ryan

A few disturbing thoughts about Hell.

This is not something that anyone likes to think about.

The possibility that there is a real place called Hell is terrifying... It's disturbing.

For me, knowing Jesus and experiencing the life that He gives have always been the motivating factors in my relationship with Christ.  You could say I've been driven by the more positive aspects of following Jesus. However, there has always been in the back of my mind the reality that Hell exists.

It's not just that this place exists but that people that I know and love have the possibility of going there. 

This possibility is haunting.

When I was in Bible school I once heard a teacher say something like this:
If you say that you believe that there is a real, literal Hell that people go to if they don't have faith in Christ and you don't share your faith then you can only draw a few different conclusions about yourself.

1. I don't really believe the Bible and the reality of hell. 
2. I genuinely don't love people.
3. I care more about avoiding rejection than I care about people avoiding hell.

This was a disturbing wake up call for me.

If Hell is real and Jesus is the only ones who saves people from Hell then if I love people I have to tell people about Jesus.  When there is no urgency in me to talk about Jesus then I either have a faith problem or a love problem.

Hell is a tough subject that is no fun to talk about.
However, it wakes me up to what will matter forever... my own destiny and the destinies of those I love.  

Ryan

For more on this subject:

• Come to the "Hell and Hereafter" class, Saturday, January 14th @ 7pm at Grace Church Bath Campus.   
• Check out Francis Chan's book called "Erasing Hell".

Building Roots with Kids

For some reason, I have an urgency, a burden - to build some deep roots into my kids while they are young...


My biological dad and I reconnected about 5 years ago after a 15 year gap with no contact and before that we had periodic visits on holidays.  It's a long story but I really love my dad.


As we have tried to reconnect and get to know each other, I discovered something in that process.  There is no way we can recreate what I call the "root building" phase of parenting. 


This is the phase where we just spend a lot of quantity time together... building trust, learning about each other, learning little things as you hang out. 


I think there was a desire for both my dad and I to go through this phase together on some level. 


But we had to be realistic, this phase of our relationship had passed and could not be fully regained.


The child basically revolves around the parents when they still have the freedom to... as they grow and eventually build their own families then they invest their energy there.  This is where I am today.


This experience with my dad has burnt this lesson into me.


I have to build some deep relational roots with my kids now... it is THE time to do this. 


I remember some older guys telling me, "don't worry about working hard when your kids are young, they won't remember that you were gone". 
Now that I am in this phase of life, I have to say, I couldn't disagree more. 
It's one thing if the circumstances of our life forced me to be gone (military, etc). 
But because of what I've experienced, there's no way I could make a concious choice to be disengaged or a minimal part of their lives during this phase. 


Perhaps this is just my conviction. 
But now having been on boths sides of this equation, it makes a lot of sense to me.


"...and parents are the pride of their children." Proverbs 17:6


Ryan

Why I NEED the Bible: Reason #8

Our society at large has a lot of beliefs about who and what people are, here are just a few examples...





We are consumers... which leads to a "what's in it for me?" mentality, ultimately, leading to rampant materialism.
    
 OR


We are just another animal... which leads to a devaluing of human life and, ultimately, injustices like the sex slave trade.

     OR

We are machines... which leads to an emphasis on production and, ultimately, a form of slavery.

These options that are presented by the culture and the others like them are pretty terrible. 
Fortunately, the Bible opens up another option for us...


We are beings created by a loving God... which leads to a high value of life, a special dignity to humanity and, ultimately, a genuine love for people. 




Here is another reason why I NEED the Bible:

    8) It helps me to see the true value of people.  

Check out this passage...

When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is mankind that you are mindful of them,
human beings that you care for them?

You have made them a little lower than the angels
   and crowned them with glory and honor.
 

Psalm 8:3-5

Ryan

The Church is a Movement

The Church was never meant to be just a religious system.

The defining marks of the church were never meant to be buildings or "religious" stuff. 

The words "boring" and "irrelevant" weren't supposed to define the culture of the church.


From the inception of the Church it was a movement. 

It was a movement of people that were being radically changed by Jesus.

Passion, joy and love defined it's culture.

The church was a multiplying, growing and spreading group of Christ followers that were committed to loving each other, loving Jesus and helping other people know about Him.


As these bands of disciples (Christ followers) multiplied they would continue to spread the church throughout a region. 


Look closely at this verse.  This is the last thing Jesus said to His followers before He went back to heaven...


But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”  Acts 1:8


This statement wasn't a command...at this point He wasn't telling them what to do.
This statement was prophetic...He was telling them what would happen.


The book of Acts traces this growth process from Jerusalem all the way to Rome.


Today, as we strive to be a part of "the Church" we continue this pattern that began 2,000 years ago.


We are the Church. We are a movement of Christ followers.




Ryan

Why I NEED the Bible: Reason #9

My experience growing up involved multiple divorces.

Divorce is one of those events that creates confusion and instability in those affected by it.

As a teen and young adult, I struggled deeply to know who I was. 
I was desperate to understand where I fit, what I was made for and basically why I was on the planet. 

I didn't realize it at the time but all of this sent me on a quest for the answers to these questions.

It wouldn't be until I started discovering what the Bible says about me that I found any reasons that were worth believing. 

I had attempted to define my life through accomplishments, through my friend group, through gaining the respect of others and through intellectualism.  After pursuing each of these for a time, I made it far enough down each of these roads to know that going any further wouldn't satisfy what I was searching for. I felt the purposeless of each of these pursuits.

So as I began to follow Jesus, I started stumbling across statements in the Bible (many of which I will develop in later posts) that were addressing the questions that I was desperate to answer.

It told me who I was, where I fit, what I am made for and why I am on the planet. 

This is a hugely personal reason why I NEED the Bible:

     9) It tells me who I am. 

Ryan

Why I NEED the Bible: Reason #10

There is something that happens to me when I interact with the Bible.

Usually when I approach the Bible, I am thinking within the realm of what I want, what I can see and generally what is best for me. 

When I start to read it begins to change my view of the life. 
It convinces me that there is a better way to live.
That it is better to serve God than to serve me (I make a terrible god).


Reading, thinking about and believing the Bible puts me in a different ballpark. 
It's not like it just tweak's my perspective on life... it completely transforms it.

The Bible shows me what matters in life and what really doesn't. 
It teaches me how to navigate through life when it's complex and seems foggy.
It gives me guardrails that help me from driving my life off of a proverbial cliff.

So here is reason #10 for why I NEED the Bible: 

    10) It transforms my perspective on life. 


For an example of this, see yesterday's post called A few lessons learned from a weekend screwup.


Ryan

A Few Lessons Learned from a Weekend Screwup

We heat our home with wood.  Which means that I end up going to cut up and collect wood a lot.  So this weekend I went on a wood run at a friends house.  I loaded my whole trailer full of wood and when I went to pull the trailer out I realized that I had gotten it in weird position and it was trapped in this fence area and I couldn't get it out.  I was by myself with a trailer full of wood that I couldn't move... excellent.
Needless to say, I threw my own version of an adult fit, I tried everything that I could think of and still couldn't get out.  So after 4 hours I went home... with no wood. 

Yesterday morning our office was closed so I went to try to get the trailer out.
I called a few friends and two of them were there to help me within the hour.  Between all of us we were able to get the trailer out with little effort. 

I learned two great lessons from this:

     1) I need to ask for help...even if I think I should be able to do it myself.

Sometimes I have a hard time asking for help - especially if it is for something I believe I should be  able to knock out on my own. 

Shooting those couple texts to friends to ask for help was harder than I want to admit.

     2) Be a good friend. 

I'm still amazed those guys were there to help me within the hour. 
Their example was a challenge to me to be responsive to opportunities and to stay flexible. 

Now I'm thankful for the lesson and the little trial that preceded it.  [James 1:2-4]
My initial response sure wasn't pretty but I'm thankful that God brought it full circle. 
Overall, this debacle wasn't good for my productivity but it was great for my SOUL!  

Ryan

5 Things to consider as we enter 2012

Happy New Year!!

Here are 5 things to consider as we enter 2012.

1) Having a vision for where we'll be in a year from now matters a lot.  

What could God do in our lives in the next 365 days? If we were to become more like Jesus in the next year what would that look like? Let's use our imaginations.  2 Peter 1:5-7 is a great place to look to see some areas of growth.

2) If we want some things in our lives to change they have to be changed on purpose.

We have to conciously add in new habits and delete old ones in order to see any lasting change take root.  When Jesus says, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me." Luke 9:23 this is what he is talking about.  Denying ourselves involves saying "no" to our own selfish agendas. We have to find the habits/decisions that are harming us and others and replace them with habits/decisions that bring life.

3) Real changes will happen in our lives from small decisions made every day.

Once we've found out what needs to change, we have to choose those new habits... every day.  This is the hardest part for me.  It is a real challenge for me to do a new habit everyday.  This is where I have to focus my energy.  One thing that helps me is to remember the impact of everyday decisions.

Let's pretend that we are only reading the Bible once a week for 20 minutes. That equals 17 1/3 hours of Bible reading a year.

Let's say we try to read for 15 minutes each day but we only read 6 days a week.  That equals 195 hours of Bible reading a year! 

The same affect happens with exercise, prayer, giving, serving... whatever it is you're needing work on.

This is where we see this truth come to life: "Do not be deceived; God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows." Galatians 6:7

4) If we're going to focus on the things that matter we have to limit distractions.

I don't know about you but I have noticed the pull of distractions.  I'm sure the rise in available technology plays a big part in this.  But whatever it is, we have to learn to limit our attention so we can focus on the things that are actually important.  The inbox, the message alerts, texts, commercials, advertising schemes and whatever else is vying for our attention must be purposefully ignored. 

Somehow we need to carve time out to "unplug".  Maybe a "tech free" day.  Maybe an hour a day with no tech, whatever.  It's not that technology is bad, it's just that we can't help from being distracted by it... well, at least I can't. :)

5) This year will go faster than we think - so we need to get on it!

The Bible says, "what is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." James 4:14.  I know I feel life moving faster each year.  Sometimes I think, "wow, my life is getting away from me." Every feel like that? 

Lori and I like to take some time to reflect on the past year and take a serious look at what needs to happen in the coming year.  We have found that writing/typing this out is important - because it keeps a record, it helps us stay accountable and most importantly it forces us to clarify things.  Not just leave them in vague generalities. 

Remember, we are on the planet for a reason.  Let's live for what we are created for this year.

Ryan